Thursday, March 31, 2011


Porcine demi-human assholes resembling people, though lacking in any human capacity for language or reason. Victims of profound genetic drift, Rednecks are inbred over so many generations that they no longer possess dominant genes, only pairings of recessive ones. An intensely religious lot, their idolatrous and ecstatic religions involve falling to the floor and speaking in tongues, a language only slightly more unintelligible than what linguists have generously termed their homespun "dialects". Rednecks believe their particular religion is the one and only true faith, because churches started in 1960's rural Arkansas by an illiterate pig-farmer surely have all the secrets of the cosmos figured out. Despite the Redneck's apparent piety, the powers that be seem to go out of their way to put an end to the Redneck menace via tornadoes, dust bowls, and Goldschlagger. Utterly unable to read or write, Rednecks can nonetheless be taught menial tasks such as agriculture or auto repair, though in twice the time it takes the average gorilla to learn sign language. The source of the Redneck's enormous assholery is his tendency to scorn anything he cannot comprehend, lest he (rightfully) feel the inferior of others. Unfortunately, so total is their ignorance that basic concepts well understood in pre-industrial times, such as the shape of the world or the heliocentric universe, are completely outside their understanding. As a result, Rednecks in years past have been witnessed challenging celestial bodies to fights. Their chief diversions include mistaking household cleaners for alcohol, torturing small animals, and watching stock cars drive in circles for hours on end.

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