Sunday, January 30, 2011


A pyramid scheme cleverly disguised as a religion, founded by the bigamist, pederast, con-artist, thief, possible murderer, and asshole L. Ron Hubbard. As for his bad points, he was also the author of some of the most hackneyed and ludicrous science fiction stories until George Lucas’ most recent celluloid abortions. Scientology is the result of combining every single bad tendency of the major faiths of the world: Catholicism (incomprehensible Byzantine power structure); Judaism (all-consuming obsession with money); Islam (desire to destroy everything that criticizes them); and Buddhism (silly uniforms, chubby prophet). Scientology has scored its major victory with the conversion of several prominent figures in the entertainment industry, proving beyond a doubt two already foregone conclusions: 1) actors are assholes, and 2) actors are idiots. From these irrefutable facts other inferences about actors can be made, such as that a teenage runaway in need of some quick cash and a place to crash can do what they do just as well for 1/1000th the pay. Scientologists rank among some of the most reviled figures in history, including Carl Panzram, Atilla the Hun, and Tom Cruise.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Parasitic man-eating rape-bears from the forlorn mountains of a heathen oiriental land. Over the past century, these monsters are responsible for more deaths in their host country than exotic flus and parallel parking related fatalities combined. Despite this creature's penchant for dismemberment and sexual assault, gullible Westerners have championed the cause the panda bear, which unlike a real bear cannot be trained to entertain Russian children or wrestle 19th century folk-heroes. Lately, the nation of China has adopted this asshole mammal as its mascot in a bumbling attempt to soften its image from that of the standard and entirely accurate portrayal as a billion-drone hive of humanoid insects. The panda, unlike every other species of mammal, has no drive to contribute to the continuation of its species. Perhaps this can be attributed to a dim comprehension of its own monstrous nature, or perhaps to the fact that its hideous offspring resembles the baby from Eraserhead. It is no surprise, then, that panda mothers often reject their young to be raised by human slaves, though from what dark grimoires these humans have learned the art of raising the devil-spawn are unknown. Pandas eat only one type of ubiquitous plant, have no natural predators, and cannot tolerate the slightest of environmental stresses. Given these facts, coupled with the beast's own refusal to reproduce, it is obvious to even the most amateur zoologist that pandas play no role in the ecosystem, are poorly adapted, and are meant to be cleansed from this earth. Despite the glaring truth, their grotesque existence is prolonged for the mercenary interests of various shadowy organizations: zoo gift shops, wildlife photographers, and Japanese toy manufacturers. Clearly the most destructive species of animal on the planet after the Irish, it is the duty of every human being to help eradicate this menace once and for all, or remain in its cottony clutches forever.


A large and powerful tribe of Philistines who, unlike those biblical peoples, have not yet had the good grace to be exterminated by their betters. Willfully ignorant, they harry and oppress anyone displaying a modicum of intelligence above their own. Unfortunately, this includes the likes of several species of mammals, birds, and even fish, making the Bro's list of enemies long indeed. Hedonists to the very core, Bros are unable to engage in any pursuit that does not end in the death of one of their own, usually due to the effects of light beer and third story balconies. Their namesake can be traced to their peculiar habit of referring to other males as "bro", as if implying some sort of filial bond. The roots of this moniker has mysterious origins, considering it is not customary for most siblings to masturbate in front of one another. Likely, the term is some type of atavistic throwback to the language of proto-human tribes from which they are descended. Their natural habitat, the fraternity house, has never been visited by any anthropologist who returned with his sanity; the dark rituals described by those gibbering madmen fortunate enough to escape the fraternity house's dark clutches bear striking resemblance to passages from the Necronomicon. The initiation ceremonies into these bands of marauding Dionysians include sessions of communal masturbation and the rape of women who, had they not been spending time in frat houses, might not have deserved it. An intensely homophobic tribe, Bros will use the adjective "gay" to describe anyone not interested in their principle hobbies of athletics and misogyny. In an ironic contradiction made possible only by the primeval logic of the simian mind, locker room towel fights, tea-baggings, and endless viewings of The 300 somehow do not fall under the same category. In some form or another, Bros have existed in every culture during every phase of history, and can be held responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire, the burning of the Reichstag, and the inexplicable popularity of that anise and cough-syrup witch's brew known as Jagermeister.