Thursday, March 31, 2011


Porcine demi-human assholes resembling people, though lacking in any human capacity for language or reason. Victims of profound genetic drift, Rednecks are inbred over so many generations that they no longer possess dominant genes, only pairings of recessive ones. An intensely religious lot, their idolatrous and ecstatic religions involve falling to the floor and speaking in tongues, a language only slightly more unintelligible than what linguists have generously termed their homespun "dialects". Rednecks believe their particular religion is the one and only true faith, because churches started in 1960's rural Arkansas by an illiterate pig-farmer surely have all the secrets of the cosmos figured out. Despite the Redneck's apparent piety, the powers that be seem to go out of their way to put an end to the Redneck menace via tornadoes, dust bowls, and Goldschlagger. Utterly unable to read or write, Rednecks can nonetheless be taught menial tasks such as agriculture or auto repair, though in twice the time it takes the average gorilla to learn sign language. The source of the Redneck's enormous assholery is his tendency to scorn anything he cannot comprehend, lest he (rightfully) feel the inferior of others. Unfortunately, so total is their ignorance that basic concepts well understood in pre-industrial times, such as the shape of the world or the heliocentric universe, are completely outside their understanding. As a result, Rednecks in years past have been witnessed challenging celestial bodies to fights. Their chief diversions include mistaking household cleaners for alcohol, torturing small animals, and watching stock cars drive in circles for hours on end.

Monday, March 14, 2011


Having plagued society for the last 40 years, hippies are a species of animal resembling man in all but his most admirable qualities. Loathsome Australopithecines, Hippies are unable to attend to basic sanitary functions or form complete sentences without collapsing into fits of giggling. Most likely, this is a result of the narcotic herb they inhale, which is said to have the ability to turn rational men into simpering mongoloids after only a few exposures. Whatever designs this sentient devil-plant has on humanity, it keeps its own council. Like their communist overlords in the former Soviet Union - the founders of the movement - Hippies are ignorant, know-nothing know-it-alls who believe they’ve figured out what’s best for everybody. This mode of thought was perilous when owned by a drunken Ukrainian behind the wheel of a T-34, but in its diluted version, known more commonly as the Hippie, it is a mere annoyance. Hippies are well-known for espousing their thoughts on any subject, no matter how far beyond their grasps, and the results are often comical. The startling naivety of statements such as “if we want people to stop fighting, man, we should just outlaw war” bear a striking resemblance to toddlers saying things like, “when I grow up, I want to be a car!” Such proclamations are precious when coming from the mouths of babes, not so much from the bearded muzzle of a 25-year-old man-child. Unable to stop screwing despite the wild-west-show quality of their women, hippies are carriers of diseases, including the greatest epidemic of them all: more hippies. Obsessed with “living natural”, Hippies seek to plunge civilization back into days of primitive barbarism. This is well in their favor, for hippies cannot work any tool more complex than the inclined plane. Hippies cannot bring themselves do any sort of work, even going as far as to slip into comas to avoid the laborious task of breathing under their own power. Because of this, Protestants burst into flames when touched by Hippies. Thus far, these repugnant itinerants have survived only on the charity of others, including their parents’ trust funds.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Nature’s C-students, cops share several traits in common with fellow assholes religious fundamentalists, mothers, and terrorists, chiefly believing themselves a betterment to human society despite all evidence to the contrary. Cops are one of the few professions of people who expect, in fact demand, respect despite the fact that the requirements for their trade consist merely of a high-school diploma, clean criminal record, and ability to restrain a crackhead until help arrives. Using that same logic, the guy who works the third shift at Burger King should henceforth be addressed as ‘sir’ and given a wide berth when seen driving on the highway. Aside from Koreans, cops are the only species of man that takes pride in enforcing ridiculous, unjust, and arbitrary rules to the letter. This, coupled with their willingness to break up families, ruin careers, and harm the weak, ensures the ranks of any police force are well-stocked with former schoolyard bullies. Unlike schoolyard bullies, however, it is nearly impossible to talk one’s way out of a confrontation with a cop; their power-mad, imbecilic minds are incapable of seeing the reason behind such arguments as “she was dead when I got here” and “I have a permit to park on the jungle-gym”. Like all power-hungry people, cops are paranoid and utterly mirthless, resulting in an inability to grasp humor. Several black teenagers with realistic-looking pellet guns could surely attest to this, were their surviving family members not prohibited from talking about it as a stipulation of the settlement with the city.