Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Ajooshi is a Korean term loosely translating to “uncle”, an honorific given to Korean gentlemen of a certain age. No one is sure why the typically polite and amicable Korean people turn into Ajooshi upon reaching the age of forty, though speculation has produced some plausible theories. Most assholeologists believe it is due to a recessive genetic trait resulting from severe inbreeding on the Korean Peninsula, giving credence to the theory that “uncle” may, in fact, be a literal and not honorific epithet. Historically, the only way Koreans have been able to stave off extinction is by refreshing their gene pool with occasional visits from Dutch sailors and Japanese soldiers. Perhaps overcompensation for this fact compels the Ajooshi’s famous jingoism and xenophobia, as even a cursory glance of Korean cultural achievements shows little cause for pride. According to Ajooshi, Korea was responsible for inventing the printing press, summer, orgasms, and that feeling you get when you put on a pair of socks just out of the drier. They typically view Caucasians as fur-clad, horned-helmed barbarian raiders from the West. Even after years of extensive interviews, no one has ever succeeded in causing an Ajooshi to admit the existence of black people. Unfortunately, few people appear ready to do anything about the Ajooshi scourge. In fact, Korean “culture” elevates them as revered elders, possibly because they are some of the few Koreans to have endured into old age without having committed suicide after an especially tough midterm. Only the wise and insightful leaders of communist North Korea have taken steps to rid themselves of these dour, cantankerous assholes by manufacturing a famine every few decades to keep the Ajooshi gene from becoming active. With any luck, their neighbors to the South will adopt such enlightened leadership, even though doing so would lead to catastrophic collapses in the fishing vest, taxi, and battered woman shelter industries.