Sunday, March 6, 2011


Nature’s C-students, cops share several traits in common with fellow assholes religious fundamentalists, mothers, and terrorists, chiefly believing themselves a betterment to human society despite all evidence to the contrary. Cops are one of the few professions of people who expect, in fact demand, respect despite the fact that the requirements for their trade consist merely of a high-school diploma, clean criminal record, and ability to restrain a crackhead until help arrives. Using that same logic, the guy who works the third shift at Burger King should henceforth be addressed as ‘sir’ and given a wide berth when seen driving on the highway. Aside from Koreans, cops are the only species of man that takes pride in enforcing ridiculous, unjust, and arbitrary rules to the letter. This, coupled with their willingness to break up families, ruin careers, and harm the weak, ensures the ranks of any police force are well-stocked with former schoolyard bullies. Unlike schoolyard bullies, however, it is nearly impossible to talk one’s way out of a confrontation with a cop; their power-mad, imbecilic minds are incapable of seeing the reason behind such arguments as “she was dead when I got here” and “I have a permit to park on the jungle-gym”. Like all power-hungry people, cops are paranoid and utterly mirthless, resulting in an inability to grasp humor. Several black teenagers with realistic-looking pellet guns could surely attest to this, were their surviving family members not prohibited from talking about it as a stipulation of the settlement with the city.

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