Monday, March 14, 2011
Having plagued society for the last 40 years, hippies are a species of animal resembling man in all but his most admirable qualities. Loathsome Australopithecines, Hippies are unable to attend to basic sanitary functions or form complete sentences without collapsing into fits of giggling. Most likely, this is a result of the narcotic herb they inhale, which is said to have the ability to turn rational men into simpering mongoloids after only a few exposures. Whatever designs this sentient devil-plant has on humanity, it keeps its own council. Like their communist overlords in the former Soviet Union - the founders of the movement - Hippies are ignorant, know-nothing know-it-alls who believe they’ve figured out what’s best for everybody. This mode of thought was perilous when owned by a drunken Ukrainian behind the wheel of a T-34, but in its diluted version, known more commonly as the Hippie, it is a mere annoyance. Hippies are well-known for espousing their thoughts on any subject, no matter how far beyond their grasps, and the results are often comical. The startling naivety of statements such as “if we want people to stop fighting, man, we should just outlaw war” bear a striking resemblance to toddlers saying things like, “when I grow up, I want to be a car!” Such proclamations are precious when coming from the mouths of babes, not so much from the bearded muzzle of a 25-year-old man-child. Unable to stop screwing despite the wild-west-show quality of their women, hippies are carriers of diseases, including the greatest epidemic of them all: more hippies. Obsessed with “living natural”, Hippies seek to plunge civilization back into days of primitive barbarism. This is well in their favor, for hippies cannot work any tool more complex than the inclined plane. Hippies cannot bring themselves do any sort of work, even going as far as to slip into comas to avoid the laborious task of breathing under their own power. Because of this, Protestants burst into flames when touched by Hippies. Thus far, these repugnant itinerants have survived only on the charity of others, including their parents’ trust funds.