Thursday, January 20, 2011
A large and powerful tribe of Philistines who, unlike those biblical peoples, have not yet had the good grace to be exterminated by their betters. Willfully ignorant, they harry and oppress anyone displaying a modicum of intelligence above their own. Unfortunately, this includes the likes of several species of mammals, birds, and even fish, making the Bro's list of enemies long indeed. Hedonists to the very core, Bros are unable to engage in any pursuit that does not end in the death of one of their own, usually due to the effects of light beer and third story balconies. Their namesake can be traced to their peculiar habit of referring to other males as "bro", as if implying some sort of filial bond. The roots of this moniker has mysterious origins, considering it is not customary for most siblings to masturbate in front of one another. Likely, the term is some type of atavistic throwback to the language of proto-human tribes from which they are descended. Their natural habitat, the fraternity house, has never been visited by any anthropologist who returned with his sanity; the dark rituals described by those gibbering madmen fortunate enough to escape the fraternity house's dark clutches bear striking resemblance to passages from the Necronomicon. The initiation ceremonies into these bands of marauding Dionysians include sessions of communal masturbation and the rape of women who, had they not been spending time in frat houses, might not have deserved it. An intensely homophobic tribe, Bros will use the adjective "gay" to describe anyone not interested in their principle hobbies of athletics and misogyny. In an ironic contradiction made possible only by the primeval logic of the simian mind, locker room towel fights, tea-baggings, and endless viewings of The 300 somehow do not fall under the same category. In some form or another, Bros have existed in every culture during every phase of history, and can be held responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire, the burning of the Reichstag, and the inexplicable popularity of that anise and cough-syrup witch's brew known as Jagermeister.