Thursday, January 20, 2011


Parasitic man-eating rape-bears from the forlorn mountains of a heathen oiriental land. Over the past century, these monsters are responsible for more deaths in their host country than exotic flus and parallel parking related fatalities combined. Despite this creature's penchant for dismemberment and sexual assault, gullible Westerners have championed the cause the panda bear, which unlike a real bear cannot be trained to entertain Russian children or wrestle 19th century folk-heroes. Lately, the nation of China has adopted this asshole mammal as its mascot in a bumbling attempt to soften its image from that of the standard and entirely accurate portrayal as a billion-drone hive of humanoid insects. The panda, unlike every other species of mammal, has no drive to contribute to the continuation of its species. Perhaps this can be attributed to a dim comprehension of its own monstrous nature, or perhaps to the fact that its hideous offspring resembles the baby from Eraserhead. It is no surprise, then, that panda mothers often reject their young to be raised by human slaves, though from what dark grimoires these humans have learned the art of raising the devil-spawn are unknown. Pandas eat only one type of ubiquitous plant, have no natural predators, and cannot tolerate the slightest of environmental stresses. Given these facts, coupled with the beast's own refusal to reproduce, it is obvious to even the most amateur zoologist that pandas play no role in the ecosystem, are poorly adapted, and are meant to be cleansed from this earth. Despite the glaring truth, their grotesque existence is prolonged for the mercenary interests of various shadowy organizations: zoo gift shops, wildlife photographers, and Japanese toy manufacturers. Clearly the most destructive species of animal on the planet after the Irish, it is the duty of every human being to help eradicate this menace once and for all, or remain in its cottony clutches forever.

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