Hipsters

Further evidence of the tragic decline of white America's youth, and further argument for greeting the invading hordes of swarthy Latino immigrants as liberators. Assholes to their very core, hipsters are tattooed, glassy-eyed alcoholics operating under the pretension of superiority. The insufferable narcissism of the hipsters stems from their belief that they are better than everybody else, despite not being good at anything. They perceive themselves to be the continuation of the beatniks and Bohemians, though the only art form the hipster excels at is criticism. The act of creation is largely absent in hipster communities, as an encyclopedic knowledge of pop-culture is more valued than the contribution to it. Despite being consumers, not producers, of culture, hipsters feel they are the cutting edge of Generation Y. This assertion, even if it were true, is about as impressive as claiming to be the best astrophysicist in Uganda. The hipster canon is limited to the likes of Chuck Palahniuk, Michele Gondry, and Arcade Fire, which they vainly believe to be esoteric. Works of art or activities deemed to fall under the status quo are typically looked down upon by hipsters. This elitism is the genesis of another favorite hipster past-time: not liking things. The confused, perpetually adolescent mind of the hipster has found a way to cope with this disdain for all things, however: irony. Through irony hipsters can simultaneously enjoy something like power metal or cowboy hats without the appearance of sincerity. Hipster activities include kickball, forming bands, and shopping at second-hand clothing outlets. Physically, hipsters have no asses, twig legs, and beer bellies, combining the worst aspects of middle-aged alcoholics and Auschwitz survivors, though with less worldly charm and worse tattoos, respectively. Hipster men are effeminate dandies who weep after sex and continually flip the hair out of their eyes. Hipster women are vapid hags who attach themselves, not unlike barnacles, to more creative and talented people, hoping to fill the chasm in their souls by filling the chasm between their legs.