Sunday, February 6, 2011
These shrill, gorgon-like sea-harpies can often be found lairing in college campuses and independently-owned coffee houses. Hirsute and dour, these women, excuse me, womyn are indeed assholes. Despite the tendency to think about penises more than Sigmund Freud, Femminazis are often devout lesbians, proving once and for all the Republican argument that homosexuality is indeed a choice, or at least until one finishes grad school. Educated in revisionist history and cultured by “underground” art, these Jenny-green-teeth ensure their own exile from rational humanity through an unending laundry-list of grievances against the male sex. Typical to their level of insight, the Femminazi charges leveled against men often include the rape of Leucretia in the 6th century BC and making the moon smaller than the sun. Spiritually, Femminazis have shamelessly resurrected and co-opted the religion of ancient heathen tribes, the same ones that used to sell women for cattle and run around covered in blue paint while swinging broadswords. How this ideology reflects the espoused egalitarian and pacifistic notions of the Femminazi philosophy has yet to be discussed without accusations of misogyny. Practitioners of this stygian cult worship an obscure and rotund goddess figure, and want to resume the forgotten arts of astrology, holistic healing, and fortune-telling – these being lost to people of normal means long ago when gypsies cornered the market for divesting gullible tourists of their money. With any luck, a revival in such witchcraft will also revive the traditional way of dealing with Femminazis: throwing them in the pond to see if they float, a poor proposition indeed for the average Volkswagon-sized member of this insidious Sapphic cult.